Love Me

A Short Story By Lo Brewer

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Every Friday evening, the Bell family could be found sitting at their dining room table looking like a scene out of a Norman Rockwell painting.  There was often a pot roast, or meatloaf or some other stereotypical All-American meal spread before them.  And the conversation didn’t deviate much from three main topics: work, charity and football. 

George Bell was the head of international sales department for a Fortune 500 company.  As such, his work often took him to financial hubs around the world for weeks at a time.  What he sacrificed in quality time with his family, he more than made up for (or so he thought) in lavish gifts he showered on them.

“So that’s when I decided to just walk out of the meeting.  And that’s when Mr. Nagasaki caves and agrees to the set price.  It was beautiful.  That’s what I call the real nitty gritty of sales,” George said.

“That’s lovely honey.  It kind of reminds me of how I got the rest of the Football Moms Association to agree to up the yearly membership fees,” Nina said.  “I guess your sales skills are rubbing off on me.”

Nina Bell could have made herself content with spending the hefty weekly allowance her husband gave her.  But she refused to be a kept woman.  Nina dedicated a lot of her time to various charities that she spearheaded. She also prided herself on being a hands-on mother.  If she wasn’t at school organizing a bake sale, or on the football field cheering them on, she was helping Darrell get ready for a dance or putting the finishing touches on one of Lenny’s science projects. Nina was dedicated to looking like the best mom on earth.

“Speaking of which Mom,” Darrell interrupted, “since I won’t be around next year to do it, are you going to have Lenny take over my Bell Ball Captain duties?”

“Oh I don’t know if Lenny is quite ready for all of that.  We usually hold the Bell Ball at the end of August.  But we can do it a little earlier so that you can still be a part of it.  I just thought you’d do it at least one last time before you head off to college.”

“Lenny can do it Mom.  I have faith in him,” Darrell said and then winked at his little brother.

Darrell had just graduated high school and was headed to Michigan at the end of the summer on a full football scholarship.  He wished he could be around for the Bell Ball, a pep rally of sorts that his mother threw every summer since he could remember. She would invite the entire team and their families over to the Bell home, for a fully catered barbecue and pool party. Darrell was not only the captain of every team he’s been on, he was also captain of the Bell Ball. There were no real responsibilities that came with this title except for a small speech he gave every year to encourage his teammates. Darrell knew he would miss being around for this Bell family tradition.  But he knew for Lenny to step up, he’d have to step down. 

“No that’s okay Darrell.  You do it.  You’re good at it.  You’re good at everything,” Lenny said as he pushed his peas around his plate.

Lenny would be headed to high school at the end of the summer, a promotion that most kids his age were excited about.  But It was only a week into summer vacation and Lenny was already filled with anxiety about the upcoming school year. 

His mood was in stark contrast to the rest of the Bells who happily enjoyed their dinners as they talked about their plans for the next few months. Nina rambled on for nearly 30 minutes about the latest academic organization she was heading up.  George broke the news to his family that the month-long business trip to Japan that he was supposed to be taking at the end of the year had been moved up to July and would be immediately followed by another month-long trip in London.  Darrell was particularly excited about shopping for the apartment that he would be sharing with a few other guys on the team.

Lenny continued to play with his food. He debated whether to tell his family about his plans to skip going to football camp that summer.  He’d played football since he was four years old…just like his older brother before him.  However, unlike Darrell, Lenny was never athletically gifted. He had zero coordination, wasn’t particularly fast, and in all the years he’d gone to football camp, he hadn’t improved at all.  He hated being away at camp where the barely supervised team would often gang up on Lenny.

“Dad,” Lenny said, finally having gotten the courage to speak up. “Can I go to this camp instead of football camp?” Lenny produced a crumpled flier from his pocket.  It advertised an eight-week art camp being taught at the local college.

“Art camp? Why on earth would you want to go to art camp instead of football camp?” George asked.

“I like drawing.  And we all know I’m a crap athlete,” Lenny said.

“No way champ,” Darrell interjected. “I’m personally insulted that you would rather do finger painting all summer than hang out with your boys playing the greatest game on earth.  Besides, if you don’t go to camp, you can’t be on the team. So you have to go.”

“Actually,” Lenny said, “I was thinking about taking a break from football for a little while.  The guidance counselor put me in all AP and honors classes.  I’ll have a pretty full load.  I should probably focus on my studies.”

“Leonard sweetie, you know how I feel about quitters,” Nina said. “What do I always say?”

“Quitters never win,” Lenny said with a sigh.

“That’s right! Also, I’ve been working with the booster’s association since forever, and I think it would just look better if you were a part of the sports program.  Darrell is moving on and if you’re not playing sports then what’s the point of me being involved? I was just named president at the Booster Appreciation Dinner this past spring. No, you’re not quitting football.  It’s just not going to happen.”  

“May I be excused?” Lenny asked.

“Sure kiddo.  Just make sure to put your dish in the dishwasher. Oh, and throw this away,” George said as he handed Lenny back the crumpled flier.

Lenny walked up the stairs to his room and flopped down on his bed.  He should have known better than to try to talk to his family.  They never talked about anything important.  And they never talked about anything unpleasant.  Lenny wanting to go against the grain and do something different fit into the category of unpleasant. And the rare times when any one of them felt strongly enough about something to express themselves, they wouldn’t speak about it, they would write a letter.

The letter writing started innocently, back when George and Nina were dating.  He’d once told her that he loved her so much that it hurt to talk about it, so he wrote her love notes instead.  They continued the practice after they got married.  After they had children and George started spending more time away from home working, the purpose of these notes changed.  They stopped being declarations of love and turned into a space where George and Nina could dump all their negative emotions and bad moods. Nina, frustrated that George was never home, would write him a note expressing her anger and loneliness.  George would reply with a note telling her to stop complaining and be grateful for all the things he provides her with.

It didn’t take long for their children to pick up on the way their parents communicated. Darrell and Lenny knew that if they ever had to express dissatisfaction of any kind, they’d better do it in a letter. They would often write letters to each other or to their mother and father whenever they were feeling anything other than happiness.

Lenny was left feeling frustrated and defeated after dinner. He’d used up all the courage that he could muster to speak up. But it had backfired. He had to find a way out. He knew that he couldn’t endure another second of football.  He had one last hope, Darrell.  Darrell had always been Lenny’s protector and if he could count on anyone in the Bell family it was Darrell.  He thought about going and knocking on Darrell’s door, but decided against it.  No, his days of talking about his feelings face to face, were over.  He’d have to go back to what he knew.  So, Lenny sat down and wrote his brother a letter.

Dear D,

I get that you don’t want to hear about me quitting football.  I know how much you love it.  And I wish I loved it too.  Things would be so much easier if I did.  But I hate it.  I’m awkward and not good at it at all.

Plus, the guys on the team treat me like shit.  They’re always playing tricks on me and calling me names.  The second the coach leaves the locker room it’s open season on Lenny. And camp is where the worst of it happens.  Last year something happened, something too terrible to say or write. They hurt me…bad. It continued throughout the season and I just know I can’t go back.  You have to help me.  You’re leaving me all alone here to deal with Mom and Dad. I might be able to handle that if I didn’t have to worry about football too. 

Listen, I really want to take that art class.  It’s the only thing I’m good at. Please, if you even care a little bit about me, talk to them for me.  They’ll listen to you.  They love you more. 

I guess that’s it. 

Love,

Lenny

Lenny placed the note on Darrell’s bed after he left to go to the movies with his girlfriend.  When Darrell returned he saw the note but put off reading it for almost a full day.  He loved his little brother but knew that Lenny was oversensitive.  A letter from Lenny was sure to put him in a bad mood and Darrell just wanted to delay that for as long as possible.

When Darrell finally got around to reading the letter, he felt guilty. This letter wasn’t an example of Lenny’s sometimes dramatic nature.  This letter was Lenny begging for help. Darrell didn’t know exactly what had happened to Lenny at camp the previous summer.  But he was fully aware of the types of things that could happen at camp. The boys on the team would often single out the shyest, quietest, least talented kid and torture them.  Most of these acts of torture were what the coaches called ‘just boys being boys.’  But sometimes it got out of hand.  Darrell remembered an incident just before his sophomore year that still gives him nightmares. He’s always felt awful for just being in the room where something so terrible can happen to a kid.

The thought that anything similar happened to Lenny made Darrell sick to his stomach. He wasn’t convinced that their parents would listen to him.  But he had to at least try to help Lenny.  The situation was desperate.  Anyone else would have immediately alerted someone about what Lenny was going through.  But that’s not quite how the Bells operated.  So Darnell sat down to write a letter to their mother. 

Dear Mom,

You’ve always been really good at encouraging me to see things through.  I often hear your voice in my head when I’m in the middle of a game we’re sure to lose.  Just when I’m ready to give up I hear you saying, “Quitters never win” and it helps me to power through.  Thank you for that.

But I don’t know if your words have the same effect on Lenny.  And I think that wanting to switch from football to art isn’t quitting.  He’s just figuring out who he is and what he likes. Plus, he’s right…he’s awful on the field.  But have you seen some of his drawings? He’s so good.  The kid may not be able to throw a spiral, but he can really draw. 

Anyway, there’s some other stuff going on with the kids on the team that have me a little worried.  He didn’t tell me exactly what’s going on.  But I know from personal experience that the guys can be relentless when it comes to hazing the worst players. Maybe you can let him skip football this year and revisit it his sophomore year. 

He wanted to talk to you about this himself, but he was scared that you’re disappointed in him for being a ‘quitter.’ Soon I won’t be around to stick up for him.  So I’m calling in this one last favor of you.  Can you just talk to Dad? It would mean the world to Lenny.  And it would mean the world to me.  Thanks Mom.

Love,

D

Nina saw Darrell’s note sitting on the secretary in her bedroom and thought it strange.  Darrell had always been a happy, carefree kid and almost never wrote ‘love notes’ unless something serious was going on.  Concerned, she sat down immediately to read it. The note left her a bit bewildered. Had Lenny really been that unhappy? If so why didn’t he come talk to her? She didn’t believe in quitting and she still didn’t want him to stop playing football.  But the bullying that Lenny was enduring made her uneasy. After a few moments she came up with a possible solution that everyone could get behind.

Honey,

I think Lenny wants to give up football so bad because some of the boys are teasing him.  Admittedly, he isn’t the best player.  But maybe if you were around more to throw the ball around with him, he’d be better   I guess that’s not going to happen since you’re about to leave us all for a few months to travel the world.

Trust that I am 100% on board with not allowing him to quit. But before you leave for Japan, we should have a chat with his coach to try to get this teasing to stop.  I’m sure it’s harmless but you know how sensitive Lenny has always been.  If we can convince him that he won’t be picked on, then he’d probably move on from this silly art camp idea altogether. 

I have to meet with Coach Fuller next week about the fundraiser for the new uniforms.  Maybe you could come along, so we can talk to him about Lenny.  Or maybe I could just do it. It’s fine either way. 

Love,

Nina

George rolled his eyes after he finished reading his wife’s letter. Her snide remark about him not being around enough didn’t go unnoticed.  She always found a way to complain.  He’d given her the kind of life most people would kill for.  She complained about him being away but never complained when she was spending the money he brought home.

He was annoyed with Nina for not only being ungrateful for how much he provides for his family, but for  always babying Lenny.  What she saw as ‘sensitive’ George saw as sissy behavior. No, he was not going to be speaking to Coach Fuller about his son.  He was going to nip this wimpy behavior in the bud.  George pulled out his fountain pen to write Lenny a letter.

Leonard,

You’re not a baby anymore.  You’re nearly a man.  So I’m going to start treating you as such.  Running to your mother to try to get her to convince me to let you quit football is a real wuss move. 

The reason why we started your brother and you in sports was to help build strength of character.  Clearly it worked of one of you. 

You say that you’re not good at it.  But you don’t even try.  If you focused yourself for once you might actually like it. 

You won’t be getting out of football or camp.  And I won’t even consider that art foolishness. I don’t care if you’re getting teased. That’s what teammates do, they tease each other.  If you weren’t so soft, they wouldn’t see you as such an easy target.

While I’m away this summer find a way to man up instead of trying to get out of camp.  There’s no use in trying to run away from it.  You’re going. There’s no way out.

Dad

Lenny held the letter in his fist.  His nails dug into his palms until they broke the skin.  The lump in his throat felt immense but he refused to cry. 

no way out…

But there was a way out.  Lenny promised himself that after that day he would never speak to his family again. But since he still had a few more things to say he wrote one last letter.

Lenny hadn’t come out of his room for almost a full 24 hours.  Darrell walked past Lenny’s closed door and started to feel bad about how he’d handled his letter. I was finally moved to tell his mother about the things that happened at football camp and what likely happened to Lenny. Horrified Nina went into George’s study and begged him to join her in talking to Lenny.  Something had to be done.  But George calmly responded that he would handle it.  He said that he would have a heart to heart with Lenny.  He grabbed a football out of the hall closet and knocked on Lenny’s door.

“Hey kiddo, come on out.  I was thinking maybe we’d throw the old pigskin around a bit, maybe have some man talk.  Whaddya say?”

But there was no answer.  There was nothing but silence from the other side of Lenny’s door. George walked into Lenny’s room to find him sitting on the floor in front of his closet. He’d tied his mother’s stockings around his neck and the closet doorknob and simply sat down. Clutched in Lenny’s lifeless hand was a letter.

It read:

Darrell, Mom & Dad,

I could stand in front of you screaming and you still wouldn’t hear me.  You don’t hear. You don’t listen.  You spend all your time telling me who I am.  I’m a quitter. I’m a loser. I’m a sissy.  You’re just as bad as the kids at school.  They call me names too. 

But you don’t know me at all.  I’m none of the things you say I am.  I want to draw. I want to be happy. I want to go to school in peace. I want friends, real ones, not the kind of friends the guys on the team are supposed to be.  They’re not my friends.  They tease me. They torment me.  They hold me down and hurt me.  And no one is around to help me or protect me, not the coaches, not the teachers, not any of you.

You say there’s no way out. But I know a way out.  There’s always a way out.

So this is me being the man that you want me to be.

Goodbye.

Love Me.

Follow us on Twitter @FlairHuxtable, Instagram @Flair.Huxtable and @HomeBrewedLove, and Facebook at @Flair Huxtable! Then buy Lo’s first book, “The Semester,” HERE!